Several weeks ago, I published a post about a colleague of mine who got “caught” by his dad in full femboy gear. That post generated a lot of interest and so I thought I would follow up on it and, with my colleague’s permission, give you an update on the situation.
In the last post, we left off with his dad storming out of his apartment and his family breaking off all communication with him. No one returned any phone calls or answered any messages. Fortunately, this situation has changed.
This past week, he received a phone call from his mom and they had a lengthy, heartfelt discussion about the entire matter. I don’t know the details of the conversation since he didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask because I figured it was none of my business, but I do know that he is a much happier person now.
The only piece of the conversation he shared with me is that his family has decided to accept him for how he is after needing some time and distance to process everything. His dad has apparently only done so reluctantly, but the important part is that he has.
Since having the conversation with his mom, he has also received phone calls from both of his sisters who have reiterated their support for him. The only person he has yet to hear from directly is his dad, but that will change in the near future as his mom wants all of them to come over for dinner sometime next week.
One of his sisters asked him to wear one of his dresses because she wants to see him in it. He told me he was a little unsure about that, but I encouraged him to at least bring one so that he could change into it if he started to feel comfortable enough. He agreed that that would be a good idea.
It really is amazing what having the support of your family will do for your confidence. Since having the conversation with his mom, he has really gone all out with his femboy outfits. He’s had one on for every meeting we’ve had at work and has said that he has only changed out of them to leave his apartment and sleep.
I am extremely happy that the result has been so positive for him. He didn’t deserve anything less. I’m of the opinion that everyone should be encouraged to pursue their passions and express themselves however they want to as long as it is not harmful to others.
He clearly has a huge passion for this and so I’m happy for him that he no longer has to hide it from his family. It must feel like an enormous burden has been lifted off his shoulders.
Note: The AI-generated image at the top of the post doesn’t look anything like my colleague.
I’m really glad his mom and sisters are supportive. Especially the sister who wants to see him in a dress. That’s real support.
Only my opinion, but I wouldn’t go to dinner with the family in a dress or anything that’s not something his dad would outright accept. My reason stems from the AI generated picture that you tell us looks nothing like him but may be exactly what his dad is envisioning. If he can go to dinner and let his dad see he is just his son, the exact same person he’s always known without reigniting his dad’s fear, he’ll start winning over his dad.
If it was me, and I see my son doing something that shocked me, and I reacted that badly, seeing him doing it again the very next time when I’m trying to comprehend, would make it way harder for me to reconcile.
Not to mention, I have a feeling your friend is gonna be nervous enough going to see his dad and his stress will be redlining if he’s in a dress.
I also think he should meet his sister and show her his dress by themselves. At the dinner, when dad sees his wife and daughters supper your colleague, it’ll help.
Just my two cents but good to see that they’re speaking
He’s said that he’s not going to go in a dress, but will probably bring it so that he can change into it if he feels like the moment is right. I think that’s the right approach because he doesn’t “shock” anyone and his dad and the others get to see him as his normal self first. I doubt he’ll change into it and that’s perfectly ok. He can do it when he’s comfortable with it, if ever. I did say he’d like to show his sister though, so at least that much!
The AI generated picture is of a man in a maid dress and cat ears which was intentionally created because that is his favorite outfit and also the one he got caught in. His actual outfit is very similar to what you see in the image for this post as well as the first one. That’s why I used it.
Ok, thanks for explaining the picture, now I see why you used that image. I think I also better understand his dad’s negative reaction (though Pythos comment about why his dad just barged in is apropos). His dad went from zero to sixty in a millisecond from “my son” to “my son is wearing cat ears and a maids uniform.” And there should be no problem with him wearing whatever he pleases, but even a woman wearing a maids uniform and cat ears would raise an eyebrow on any of us. Look at our reaction to the AI image and we’re guys who drank the Kool-aid on wearing skirts as men.
I’ve been wearing tights for most of my life, skirts only in the past four years (thanks Covid). But I’ve learned over the years that society hates sudden changes. This area is one area where the proverbial “slippery slope” works wonderfully. Your colleague is gonna want to violently break down the closet door but he’d be better off slowly introducing the concept to his dad in a way that his dad can digest. In other words, wearing a kilt, that manly man’s skirt, the next time he wears in front of his dad would go a long way towards ultimate acceptance. His dad’s mindset needs something to say when his friends find out to explain it.
I have a feeling his dad ain’t gonna be barging in anymore.
Yeah, it was a pretty “extreme” outfit rather than being more subtle such as just wearing a denim skirt or something. My guess is that his dad’s reaction wouldn’t have been as extreme then.
Slow changes are definitely easy to accept. I have suggested that he start by wearing kilts or other more subtle skirts or other gender-non-conforming clothes around his dad, but it’s not just about skirts for him. It’s really about the whole femboy scene. He isn’t afraid to go out in public dressed like that in the right context (i.e. anime conventions), but he isn’t necessarily interested in normalizing gender-non-conforming clothes like most readers here are.
Hi Alex,
Thank you for the continued updates and your experiences. I’m think the AI generated images might be detracting from what you are trying to accomplish. I find them a little over the top, sometimes creepy and agree with Greg’s comment about AI generated images supporting a non reality.
All the best,
Mark
Thanks for the feedback about the AI-generated images! It’s just so hard to find any real images or photos that represent what I’m trying to express with my posts. That’s why I’ve been resorting to AI.
In this case, I deliberately had it generate an image of a man in a maid outfit and cat ears because that’s the outfit my colleague got caught in. It’s also his favorite.
Yes, I agree with Greg, too. Good on his family for getting their heads re-straightened, but the AI stuff here is too stereotypical, and probably not helpful.
FWIW, I am a dad in a similar position. Our 30+ son came to visit recently to tell us he is trans and had already begun hormone treatment to feminize. OK, a bit of a surprise at this stage of their life, but if it works for them, so be it. Of course we worry about potential impact on their profession, and even their physical safety (yes, we are training to use these neutral they/them pronouns – surprisingly difficult to do!). But other than asking lots of questions, I think we’ve been accepting. I mean, if they announced they were going to quit the current job and join the Peace Corps, or go row the Atlantic solo, we’d do the same: questions to try and understand, then support. That’s just what functional, loving families do.
Do you mean that the AI stuff is generally to stereotypical on all posts or just this one? I’m asking because I’m certainly aware that this femboy image is a cliché, but my colleague also got caught wearing a maid outfit with cat ears which is his favorite outfit… That’s why I chose it.
That is a bit of a surprise, but I have also talked to transwomen who started transitioning in their 60s, so I don’t think it’s really ever too late to start. Changing pronouns is a surprisingly difficult thing to get used to, but it’s really great that you’re supportive of them and accepting. Questions are the most natural thing to come in a situation like that and are important because it helps you understand what they’re going through and also shows them that you are interested and supportive enough to want to know more. I think that’s really wonderful of you!
Alex, I meant only the photo. I suppose it’s best to use a non-existent model for this, but to me it just feels a bit in that creepy valley between real and cartoon. Somehow they emphasize what they’re prompted with to the exclusion of the supporting reality that is always present in real photos, and that makes it seem more over focused and hence stereotypical of the concept intended. Given the statistical fundamentals of generative AI, we can’t expect more I guess.
Thanks for positivity on our family life. I, too, thought questions and effort to understand were helpful and welcome, but it seems there is a limit to that welcome that we’re finding, too. It will all work out somehow.
That is a good point. What would be possible though is to tweak the prompt to make it intentionally more cartoonish or like a sketch as I have done with other posts such as this one or this one. Then they wouldn’t be quite as creepy.
It will all work out as long as you continue to be supportive. That’s what matters most in the end. Support from family is absolutely critical!
This is beyond awesome. I hope his dad cures his own rectal cranial inversion though. But his mom, and sisters are doing a really great thing.
Can you describe though what your co worker’s “fem boy” outfits consist of though. As a fellow gender non conforming male, I don’t actually wear the typical “femboy” looks, but instead I wear skirt suits, or dresses, with hose and heels at times (hose always).
This is again so very awesome to read though.
I was baffled at the father though just barging in on his son like that. What if his son was with a intimate partner (male or female) and they were in …the act when pop just barges on in like that.
That father seems to have boundary issues to be honest.
But without his barging in, this new shot of confidence in your coworker may not have happend. Oh and Your place of work is BEYOND awesome for setting up an environment where he can feel confident to wear the styles he prefers opposed to enforcing a silly and sexist dress code.
Oh, and I am of the same thinking about the AI generated images. Please don’t use them. They put across the wrong idea. Lets have images of proud gender non conforming males in styles similar to what your co-worker wears.
I used this particular image because it depicts an outfit very similar to the one he was wearing when he got caught: a maid’s dress and cat ears. It’s also one of his favorites. So this is actually very similar to what he wears.
Otherwise, I’ve resorted to AI-generated images because it’s near impossible to find any stock images or anything that come even close to expressing what I want to communicate with my posts… Men in skirts is just way too much of a niche topic still unfortunately.
I really hope so too. It will be interesting to hear what he says after seeing his dad again. Hopefully, all will go well and his dad will thaw a little bit.
My coworker’s outfits tend to fit the stereotype of the femboy aesthetic. Lots of anime-inspired outfits, lace, frills, thigh-high socks, etc. Subtle would not the word I use to describe it which is why I think it’s so wonderful that he’s comfortable enough to wear it around his teammates at work.
I don’t know what was going through the father’s head when he just barged into his apartment. You’re right that he could have been doing something very intimate in that moment and I can’t imagine that would have gone any better.
I’m glad my company is so supportive as well. They do have certain necessary safety restrictions (such as when engaging with large machinery, etc) and the people that deal directly with customers have to wear typical, stuffy business attire (not sure what they’d think if a man wore a pencil skirt like a woman could), but otherwise, they don’t care.
” (not sure what they’d think if a man wore a pencil skirt like a woman could)” If a woman could, then so should a male be able. Now, as far as your coworker wearing that stuff you describe…are women permitted to wear such, cause honestly that does sound very outlandish for a business setting. I thought maybe he was indeed wearing a more buisnessy “stuffy” skirt suit, or such, opposed to the femboy maid outfits.
I agree! My coworker wears those outfits for work, but only when working remotely. We primarily work remotely, so we can wear whatever we want most of the time. He’s never worn anything like that at the office where he wears more professional clothing. If a woman wore that sort of outfit in the office, it would also be frowned upon since it is pretty outlandish for an office setting.
Hi Alex
I’m glad you’re colleague’s family are back in touch. It will take some time for all to fully accept all aspects of his personality.
I’m of the Slowly,slowly approach & rebuild some strong family foundations first. I’d suggest a family dinner without the pressure of changing into his feline persona to see how everyone reconnects. If his sisters are open to seeing him dressed then a more neutral place such as one of their Homes rather than the Family Home! I think from personal experience the initial shock encounter & a possible
Re-encounter with his son dressed enfeline might be a step too far at the moment for his Father.
If the Father/Son relationship is to be rebuilt with new dynamics then it might take more time than anticipated but you have one Father & although he must still feel very hurt at his Father’s reaction if they can talk & address his fears,questions reasons for his the extreme reaction it will be worth it.
If the Father realises his Son Is still the same Son but with other aspects unknown to him until recently ,he is not a “different person” it’s all of him & that’s how he will live his life then it’s up to his Father to try & understand & learn how to be with his Son.
I think we are all trying to comment on a limited amount of information from the situation
I wish him & his Family well & hope they can find a new way forward to a healthier more engaging Family Dynamic.
Lar.
It will take some time. In a sense, it may have been better for all of them that it happened the way it did because it seems like they have gotten over the initial shock for the most part and can enter into some sort of dialog which is incredibly important for rekindling the relationship and hopefully accepting him in all of his facets. It will certainly take a bit of time, as you mentioned, but I get the feeling that things are going to heal and they will move on. At least it sounds like his sisters are not only accepting, but even interested in it!
Cool, I thought that this situation is really “game over” as lack of feedback from mother / sisters initially was indicating the problem being bigger. We still can’t say how father’s reaction will be later on, maybe the dinner goes wrong and it leads to even bigger argument, but at least there’s a chance to rebuild the perspectives. Having both castles closed for each other wouldn’t lead to any agreement.
I think that AI photos are accurate and good, as mostly these really “match” our society-influenced concepts of words and phrases. And femboy outfit is exactly how it is connected with at this moment. So if he really wears “typical” femboy clothes, there’s nothing wrong with AI images representing that simply.
Definitely there’s a huge hole between “casual boring T-shirt+trousers” and “thigh highs + lace + anime-inspired clothes” in terms of understanding such change. Can it be slower? Definitely, but is it prohibited to make a such an immediate change? Not really, although one must be really brave or determined to change style that much in such time span.
Aside from this, I can tell you that I finally made to the [friendly] football game last Saturday in kilt-inspired long skirt and given that people I watch the games with know me at least for some time, they didn’t say to me any “bad” thing, maybe aside from laughing and wondering if I want to be a Scot. I didn’t consider it as insult, especially since they just couldn’t answer my question about how I cannot wear it and how can girls wear trousers. My father wasn’t with me though – I’m curious whether his friends will start asking him this week why I wore/wear skirts – but at least I managed to see what might happen.
I also thought it was strange that his mom and sisters didn’t reply to him anymore either. What we don’t know though is how his dad described it to them. Since their initial exposure to it was through his shocked dad, it’s hard to say whether they got a realistic image of the situation or if he exaggerated (initially or not).
You are right about the AI pictures matching how things are perceived right now. The femboy outfit is a cliche, but it’s also what he enjoys wearing and I think it’s wonderful that he’s comfortable and open enough to do that if he feels like it!
Congrats! That’s excellent news that you wore a skirt to the game! I’ve had people comment about me wanting to be a Scot too when wearing a kilt or kilt-like skirt. It’s annoying, but I don’t take offense because I think it’s just their way of processing what they’re seeing.
I 100% agree with what you said that people should able to express them themselves how they want if it dose not harm anyone else.I am personally not keen on tattoos I admit I do have one small one but I would not hold it against anyone its personal choice as is how people present themselves it dose affect me.It’s how we treat others that matters,treat others how you would expect to be treated with respect.I have met many different people in my life and I have always said if people have nothing better to talk about than me then I feel sorry for them because they must have dull boring lives if all they can do is gossip about me ! I have one colleauge who presents as female (may be trans or going through) and another who presents as male.We have a new starter who seemed to have eye make up on and a member of my team commented on it in a slightly negative way and I just said it dose not affect me.Privately I thought good on you for feeling brave enough to do it,I am in my early sixties and society had different ideas when I was young,if you were Gay when I was young you could be sent to prison.The world needs to be more tolerant.Perhaps Alex Seifert should stand for election for the Tolerance Party (comments wellcome) he could use The Beskited Logo as a party logo.
I love that philosophy! If people have so little content in their lives that they have to talk about another average Joe like me or you, then they really do need to find something better to fill their heads with.
I have also noticed a lot more younger men wearing makeup (mostly eye makeup and nail polish as far as I can tell) out in public. It seems like I encounter at least one every time I go out. I think it’s wonderful because it really proves that things are changing and becoming more tolerant!
I love the idea of the Tolerance Party! 🙂