As some of you will already have read in a post I made on Instagram this week, there was a bit of an incident at work this past week. One of the young developers on our team who considers himself a femboy had a traumatic experience when his dad caught him in a dress.
Since I have talked to him personally before about it and other gender-non-conforming topics, he confided in me about what happened. With his permission, I posted the story on Instagram and am now doing so here as well. I think it’s important that these scenarios get documented since they generally happen strictly behind closed doors, but serve as great examples of why men struggle with breaking out of the gendered box they are forced into.
I won’t rehash what I wrote on Instagram here. Instead, I’ve just copied what I wrote:
Going full femboy today. I don’t do this much anymore, but today is to show solidarity with a young developer (22) on my team at work. He is going through a really hard time after getting “caught” by his dad in full femboy gear last weekend. His dad had a key to his apartment and walked in unannounced while he was dressed up in a maid dress with knee socks, cat ears, heels, makeup, wig, etc. He started yelling at him using lots of expletives and essentially disowned him. He then threw the apartment keys at him and stormed out of the apartment. Since then, he hasn’t heard from any of his family and none of them are returning his calls.
Yesterday, he broke down crying in one of our online meetings. He’s always been open about being a femboy to us at work and we’ve always been supportive of it. Since I’ve talked to him one-on-one a few times about it as well as my own experiences wearing gnc clothing, I called him directly after our meeting and he let everything out. He had already packed all of his femboy gear in garbage bags and was going to throw it all away. I was able to convince him to just put it away for now rather than throw it away because he’d regret it if he threw it away. I’m going to call him again later today and talk to him again because I think he needs it right now. Hopefully, I’ll at least get a smile when I show him my own outfit.
I find it absolutely disgusting that this happens. It makes me so furious that I feel sick to my stomach. He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve worked with and yet he is being treated like a flaming pile of dog poo just for daring to deviate from the cliché masculine image.
My post about it on Instagram
My reaction was to dress up in some old femboy clothes I had lying around from my experimental phase and show him as much support as possible. He got very emotional when we had a video call and I showed him what I was wearing and explained why. You can see my outfit in the pictures below.
Unfortunately, there is no happy ending I can share with you. His difficult situation hasn’t changed in the least and he is still struggling with it. I’ve continued to show support and talk to him every day because I feel like he needs an ally right now who understands his desire to dress differently and his refusal to be kept in a box.
Here are a few photos of the outfit I wore to show my support:
Note: The AI-generated image at the top of the post doesn’t look anything like my colleague.
Sadly (or not), you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family. Maybe friends are truly more important in this scenario.
That is true and is really a pain point for a lot of people…
Correct, Bill!
Alex, you are a good man to be a strong friend to a friend in need. It’s so sad to see this kind of unthinking rejection of personal preferences, especially of one’s own offspring. I’ll bet the father has similar non-standard urges he’s suppressed his whole life and lives in fear, not of his son’s nature, but of his own. Maybe as you continue to offer counsel and support, let him know this possibility, and also encourage him to give them time to process the sudden change they’ve seen. No certainty of reconciliation, but no gain in pressing it now until they calm down and can begin to engage more productively.
Thank you! It really is sad. You’re probably right that the father is suppressing similar urges and is perhaps even just angry more at himself than at his son. Or resents the fact that his son is just doing it rather than suppressing it. Either way, it’s definitely not fair to his son and is extremely harmful.
This is a grand example of what I think leads to gender non conformity leading to a stygma, which in turn manifests as a fetish.
NOW what this boy may be thinking “I really like to dress like this, but boys in this world can’t. But girls not only can, but at times are encouraged by both men and women. Since I like something that women like and supposedly ONLY women like, maybe I’m really not a boy. Maybe things would be easier if I identified as a woman”
And so the pattern starts. This is only my opinion but it is based on observations along with my own personal experience.
If people would open their eyes they would see all sorts of pressures on boys to meet a certain criteria. One good example being the hair length rules for boys opposed to girls. I remember being made to have super short hair, and I positively hated it. It angered me that I had to have short hair, but girls could have all manner of hair length, including cuts similar to boy’s.
It upset me how I was limited to pants or shorts, and girls could run the whole gammut.
What happened to this fellow is disgusting, and his father is a jack ass, particularly this day and age. His father is the sort of person I think is what leads to so many people thinking they are not the gender they were raised.
Thing is….what do we do about it?
You’re absolutely right! It’s what most men are afraid of when thee don’t conform to gender norms. It seems to be less of a problem for women, but they have also had to fight hard to get there.
You’re right about hair length being one of the more common examples, although I think that has gotten better in the past couple of years. At least in Germany, you see a lot more men with long hair and it has even become acceptable in conservative corporate environments where suits and ties are the norm. Boys are under an incredible amount of pressure to conform which is actually the topic of an article I’m working on.
It’s nearly impossible to do anything about those kinds of situations. The only way to combat it, in my opinion, is through exposure. The more often it’s seen, the more “normal” it becomes and then the people (like his father) who are obsessed with “normal” will start to accept it. We have a long ways to go though…
What is normal ? how do you define it,is it just what people expect or find acceptable.Live and let live treat others how you expect to be treated.Too many bigots in this world.
Normal really is impossible to define. There are certain expectations of society (such as “men don’t wear dresses”) that most people would use to define “normal”, but in reality, they are a bunch of arbitrary, made-up rules. Even the expectations often differ between individuals or certain groups of people which makes even this definition cumbersome at best.
Live and let live is exactly how it should be.
I totally relate to the pattern you explained that leads to identifying as women as I experienced it in some form.
The only way to fight this is by exposure.
I can too. I also went through a phase like that when really it was only about the freedom to wear the clothes I want to. Exposure is absolutely critical here.
I’m saddened by the treatment he received from his family— the people who are supposed to live us, unfortunately, do not receive the unconditional aspect of love. He young man must realize it is not his issue, it is an issue that his family needs to resolve. I know it is difficult to see that when you are hurting and wanting the love of your family. I’m fortunate that i had a supportive family. The advice just to put the clothing away and not toss is a wonderful solution. He would regret it later if he did toss everything. This young man must honor himself and understand only his opinion of himself is what is important. I will keep him in my thoughts. Please let him know that there are those of us who support and honor him.
I’m extremely saddened by it too. It just makes me sick to see how a parent can outright reject their child simply because of their choice of clothing. Unfortunately, that’s much more of a statement about the dad than about the son.
I’m going to send him a link to this post as well as the Instagram post, so he can read through the comments and see that he has a lot of support out there. Thank you!
I think he would regret throwing everything you need to be happy in yourself and not be what others want you to be.
I agree!
As much as I am saddened by this father’s treatment of his son and sad for the son for now feeling rejected, all may not be lost.
Imagine if you will that you have no idea your boy is a femboy (don’t love that term because I feel it allows unenlightened people to reject them and puts down women). Imagine also that his father was raised with the notion that sissies were not ok. Now imagine him going to his son’s apartment, opening the door and shocking both men by laying the sons secret bare.
We like to think when presented with a shock, we all act appropriately. But research shows in times of sudden stress, people do not act appropriately. Instead they tend to go to their basic instincts in “survival mode.”
If you haven’t seen Ted Lasso, you should. In the third season there’s an amazing set of scenes about a gay soccer/football player who comes out. I won’t give it away but the ensuing scenes are very much apropos to this scenario. But the basic tenet is that when suddenly confronted with something, the initial reaction on both sides may not be the real reaction in the end.
We all hope father and son can talk rationally and can accept each other with love. Sometimes these shocks just need a few days for people to process and then let the discussions go forth. We all know no dialogue will be detrimental. We also all know when something like this happens, we want instant resolution of the problem but we also know it takes time.
It is my ardent wish that father and son reconcile these apparent differences (for we actually don’t exactly know what the father is thinking, only how he reacted in a time of sudden and shocking stress).
You’re certainly right about it being a shock response. Unfortunately, it’s been about a week and there still hasn’t been any thawing between them. He still hasn’t heard anything from his family… We’ve talked about it daily and I keep telling him not to give hope. Fortunately, he also has supportive friends around that have also given him support. I just hope that they can reconcile their relationship, but I suspect it will never be the same after this regardless of what the resolution is. Let’s just hope it’s for the better.
Though a week sounds like a lot of time for things like family dramas, it’s probably pretty short.
True. It’s really not that long, although it feels like a lifetime for him.
A week is also a lot ot time for things like politics. Adapted from a quote by British (Labour Party) PM Harold Wilson in the 1960s.
a selection of me wearing gnc outfits to show support. Sending hugs to that guy.
Absolutely adore the black suit with the maroon stockings. It’s a look I have worn, but I don’t have a suit jacket, just a black overcoat (worn open). I do believe that if you’re a man and your going to wear a skirt, you wanna try to look good. (Having said that I’m guilty of going to the shops for milk early in the morning wearing a full length skirt with a jumper and ugg boots underneath and my hair a mess with rainbow ribbon.)
I love that outfit too. It’s very inspirational. I think I’m going to mimic it 😉
That’s amazing. I’ll forward him the link!
Your reaction Alex is wonderful, and these “typical femboy outfits” have a special charm that I cannot find in “ordinary female clothing”.
I wonder whether fathers (or parents in general, as some mothers behave even worse) remember something called “subcultures” that was common not so long time ago, and whether they participated in punk, metal or goth movement. Femboy clothing is somewhere around that, with the major difference – most of these subcultures carried some negative attitude, whether some sort of decadence, anger and frustration about things that they would like to change but they are too weak to do so. What “femboys” are doing is not aggressive and harmless, I think they try to also spread the “cuteness” and respect around the globe, yet guys are considered as proof to “the fall of masculinity”.
And you know, subcultures were about having people who will accept you when you start doing the same things as they. This would make you accept yourself as a consequence. Nowadays, we learn to first accept yourself and then hopefully see others accepting you.
As a negative note, I don’t think that father will be ever able to change his mind, and even if, the mark has been made and it will be difficult to recover from this emotional incident. This guy should definitely keep his femboy things somewhere, but definitely look for another flat – sometimes separation from your family makes each other respect more than when you live with parents or brothers / sisters together every day.
Thank you!
Yeah, I get the feeling that as people age, they forget the subcultures they used to belong to (assuming they did belong to them). What happened to all the so-called ’68ers and hippies from the ’60s and ’70s? A lot of them became exactly what they were rebelling against.
I don’t know if the father will ever change his mind. I certainly hope so though!
I definitely think you’re college’s Farther has boundary issues & his other repressed issues. Your friend should keep his clothes. They are part of him & his true identity. I have given away some of my clothes in the past & deeply regretted it. At the time it took a lot of courage to even choose & buy the items, mostly in person.
Whilst the Father might be very resolute some of the family will start to make contact. It might take time but eventually realise family connections are important & while the issue seems huge it can be worked out with information,compassion, understanding & time.
The world is such a better place for accepting diversity. Many people have become indoctrinated by conformity & it takes so much courage to step outside the perceived boundaries we are accustomed to. All of us who step outside are stronger & far more powerful than those who are frustrated & lash out against choices & paths not taken.
Live life not regrets.
I’m sure you’re right. He’s probably had thoughts that he didn’t dare live out and when he caught his son dressed up, his anger was probably more at himself than at his son even if he took it out on his son. It’s a sad situation. So far, he’s kept his clothes and has even worn them again. So far, no one has contacted him again, but I hope at least someone will soon. :/
I absolutely agree that the world is a better place for accepting diversity. It makes it much more interesting to live in a world where people are different and comfortable being themselves. Humans aren’t manufactured on an assembly line and nor should we act like we are.
“Live life not regrets” I couldn’t agree with you more!
How is your coworker doing?
He is doing about the same. Still no contact with his family, but the initial shock has worn off and now it’s just anger and sadness.