A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting experience when I was riding the train home from Regensburg. I was wearing my gray denim skirt as can be seen in the photo below taken at an earlier date. I wore it with black cotton leggings, a pair of Converse-like dark gray and white sneakers and a black long-sleeved shirt.
The train was fairly crowded and as such, I was stuck standing rather than being able to sit down. In the area where I was standing, there were a number of other people, mainly men, standing there as well. Most of them had their eyes glued down to their phones and I believe I was the only exception as I was reading a book made of actual paper which is, hilariously, something older people have commented on before on the train.
In any case, as I was standing there reading my book, a woman in what I would guess is her mid-to-late 20s boarded the train. She made her way through the people standing there and I assume went to look for a seat. After a while, she came back unsuccessfully and, working her way through the crowd of men standing there, stopped and stood right next to me. It obviously isn’t unusual for someone to stand right next to you in a crowded train, however, the fact that she struck up a conversation was, indeed, unusual.
She started complaining about the crowded train and having to stand because it makes her feel uncomfortable with all the men standing around. She said so many of them just openly stare at her and that she’s been groped or touched inappropriately more times than she cares to admit. At first, I didn’t really know how to respond other than a typical, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that” because that is not something that you normally hear from a complete stranger on the train. I then asked her if she often takes crowded trains to which she replied that she takes them daily because she has to commute during rush hour.
While I’m leaving out the details of our conversation, I am recalling the points that are important for what really stuck out to me in it. She mentioned that the reason she started talking to me was because I was wearing a skirt which made me feel less threatening and more approachable. She also said that she normally doesn’t strike up conversations with anyone on the train but felt like she could and even should talk to me and mention how the fact that I was wearing a skirt made her feel more comfortable. She even thanked me for it which I found rather odd.
In fact, the whole situation was odd. I could feel that she genuinely meant it and it seemed like me being there as a man wearing a skirt made her feel more at ease with having to stand in a crowded train full of men. Of course, we got on the topic of gender and clothes and she was fully on board with the idea that clothes don’t have a gender. We chatted for about twenty minutes before she got off at her stop and it was quite a pleasant conversation.
That is one of the rare instances where someone has commented on me wearing a skirt in public. As I have written before, the few comments I have received have been entirely positive except for one instance.
I find it unbelievably sad that a woman like her has to feel uncomfortable standing in a crowded train because men can’t or don’t want to control themselves. Toxic masculinity is a poison that affects every gender, and I really do feel for someone like her. Fortunately, there is a growing movement against it right now, and I am immensely proud to be a part of that — especially if it makes a difference, no matter how small, to someone who normally feels threatened by it.
To break the barrier of clothing bias, norms need to be pushed. Take lessons from when women started to wear men’s clothing. It didn’t happen overnight and they eased into it. Design skirts that are neutral, that don’t make you stand out. That’s why people will feel comfortable around you.
I don’t think this would have happened if you were wearing a flowery dress with heals.
If men were any slower we would still be where we were in the 50s.
I agree!
You’re probably right about her feeling comfortable around me because I was in a more subtle skirt rather than something that stands out more.
Not comment about your skirt to start with but its nice to hear of some one reading one of strange things called a book.I come from at least two generations of old school hot metal printers and need more space/bigger house due to all the books I own.Any way its a sad indictment of the Male half of the human race that a young woman feels safer around a man wearing a skirt.
We also own a tremendous amount of books. Our living room has floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on two of the walls that are bursting full with books. We don’t have a TV in the living room. Both my wife and I go through a lot of books and our son at not quite two years old also already loves them. I’ve tried ebooks as well but there is something special about a physical, paper book that other formats just can’t match.
I get infuriated when I learn of or hear of men groping women on trains, or busses, or really anywhere. It is not cool, yet it was encouraged in hushed ways. It has needed to stop for a long time, and frankly if boys experienced having their skirts flipped up by girls, they would maybe learn some damned respect.
Fathers need to instill in their sons that you do not touch ANYONE without permission, and even then with caution.
I do too. As interesting as the situation was, it also made me mad. No one should have to feel threatened because other people refuse to control themselves or even think it’s ok to harass others.
What I love about this story is the fact she started talking to you but from the story, did not mention your skirt wearing upfront. This means she saw it, recognized you as a man wearing a skirt as a man and felt comfortable talking with you. Some say, or I should say, there’s a belief that some people would be uncomfortable speaking with a man in a skirt. Because in our minds, or my mind at least, there’s still an association of a man wearing a skirt is a weirdo. It’s not true but there’s that association that’s driven from playground rules.
I love the fact that she spoke to you because if your clothing choice. Makes you wonder if other women would also be similarly inclined. From your description, it seems like you went out as a man wearing a skirt as a man. No attempt to pass as a woman. You were comfortable in your own skin wearing mostly men’s stuff but with the substitution of a skirt instead of the dreaded pants. That’s confidence that I know women love but in a manner that’s friendly and comfortable. Way to go sir!
I echo Pythos’ comments on the scourge of groping. I don’t know what breaks in these people’s heads to say I’m gonna just grab her. How has this ever been ok? Would these same men look the other way if someone groped their wife/sister/mother/daughter in front of them? I doubt it. But they do it. I feel like it’s not an encouraged behavior as much as everyone seems to realize it happens and there’s no recourse that affects the groper usually. You hear stories of women getting groped, feeling violated and just being so embarrassed they leave the scene and don’t accost their accuser. So it persists.
Would be nice to have a movement where men in skirts stood up to these gropers. Bring to light a man who groped a man in a skirt and embarrass the heck out of him publicly. The law is not nimble enough to prosecute them but would be a nice PSA that next time these perverts grope a skirt, they might find more than you bargained for. Nothing like a little public shaming to stop others from being similarly inclined.
End of rant. Sorry. It does just piss me off to no end. One of my friends said she loved going to the Taylor Swift concert partly cause there’s few men and the
En who are there are Swifties so no toxic masculinity. I don’t think mainstream has realized but female anger over men’s toxic behavior is boiling over.
It was a rather pleasant experience to be talked to because of my skirt but without her bringing it up immediately. She started the conversation normally and only mentioned the skirt later.
Exactly, I went out as a man wearing a skirt and with absolutely no attempt to pass as a woman. While I have to admire the effort men who manage to intentionally pass as a woman go through to do so, I’m not partiulcarly interested in doing it myself.
I really don’t know why people think it’s ok. You’re right that they would certainly feel different about it if the victim was one of the women in their own lives rather than just a random stranger.
That would be hilarious for them to grope a man in a skirt and then for it to be made known in a very public manner to shame them. I’m sure they’d think twice about doing it again!
Yes, indeed. I wholeheartedly understand and agree. It’s funny in a way, because my (grown) kids have told me that I must like skirts because of the “shock value,” but not so. While it’s true that I enjoy company and recognition generally, I actually demur and choose more common duds if I think there’s any chance to “shock” anyone I care about. And I have long thought the reverse, that as in your experience, mirrored in my own, that such a confident but non-toxic presentation actually invites comfort and conversation. It’s a win-win. Simply shocking, perhaps, but in a whole other way.
Shocking people is certainly not my intention either. It’s rather a side effect that is largely still unavoidable, unfortunately.
Interesting story, I personally don’t feel like the title sentence has a confirmation in my life and experience I had so far. I also do not try to “pass” (although I prefer and wear short-to-mid skirts above the knee), but I’ve heard many times “hey lady” from the far that, after closer approach, turned to be “hey boy / man” from whoever asked me something (including some worker-type of guys who were definitely shocked about this discovery). I’m not making any deal of it, but I understand why some people need to “pass”, it’s also coming from our “social” consciousness, needs hierarchy etc.
Morons whistling when seeing girl or doing this awful upskirt thing definitely have serious problems with stopping their animal-nature behaviour. This harassment, in different form, happens sometimes to males too (considered “not manly enough” in someone’s eyes), but I think most guys have a bit thicker shield to ignore stranger’s complaints. At the same time, I learned too many times (mostly on others experience) that trying to defend unrelated woman from aggressive retards will just end up badly, and sometimes even the one you want to defend will tell you to GTFO or simply not be grateful for your action. Idea of making fun of guy who “upskirts” and gets more than expected is funny though, but I haven’t used public transport that much recently, so I don’t think I’ll have the chance to try this out.
So far, that’s the only time something like that has happened to me which is what made it stand out. I don’t feel the need to pass as a woman and have never actually been addressed as a woman before even in a skirt.