I chickened out today. I woke up this morning with the good intention of wearing a skirt when going to the city of Regensburg, but got cold feet and changed into pants right before catching the train. I’m now sitting in a cafe in the gorgeous baroque city center, writing this up in pants. It’s unfortunate, but for all the bravado and public experience I’ve already had wearing skirts, it still happens to me. I don’t like it, but I think it’s important to be honest with oneself in that regard.
Every time I go out, I can think of a million excuses as to why I shouldn’t wear a skirt that day. Why I should just blend in, conform and wear what everyone expects me to. I can reason with myself until I don’t know why I would even ever wear a skirt out in public again. Sometimes that reasoning wins. It did today.
But in reality the reasoning is just an excuse. It’s all smoke and mirrors. I’ve thought a lot about why I sometimes still chicken out despite all the great experiences I’ve had and I think it is directly correlated to how tired I am. It still takes energy for me to get past that initial hurdle of leaving my safe space and into the broader world and when I’m tired, I can’t always muster the strength and energy.
I’m tired today and I believe that is what has happened. My long-term goal is to overcome the hurdle so that wearing a skirt becomes as easy as wearing pants. The only thing I want to think about is whether I like the outfit and not whether I’m going to wear pants or a skirt.
In any case, I felt like it would be good to be honest with myself and with everyone else and admit that I still do chicken out. I still struggle to overcome the imprint left on me from growing up in a society where skirts are still considered to be a woman’s garment. I’m not going to kick myself or be angry about it, but it does mean I still have more work left to do to reach my goal.
Have you ever had such an internal struggle when you’re about to go out in a skirt? What do you do to overcome it? Let me know in the comments below!
Dear Alex,
Thank you for your honest words. I think we all (or almost all) know this hurdle. It’s often quite high for me too. But I am all the happier and prouder when I can overcome it. And this feeling gets bigger and better with every step. But as you write, there is still a lot of work to do.
You’re welcome! Honesty is really the best policy. I think it’s important for people to realize that while I write a lot about wearing skirts in public, I am also not entirely over that hurdle and I also fail to get over it sometimes. It also helps me to admit it publicly.
I would not view it as chickening out, you just didn’t wear a skirt today as you didn’t feel like it. Women feel the same too, sometimes it’s just more practical to wear jeans or something else if you can’t throw an outfit together, ran out of stockings, no decent bag or top to go with it.
Just view today where you chose to wear something else. Depending on what area we are out in, sometimes it is more safer, ie doing repairs where trousers are just easier.
Console yourself with some formal skirts off Vinted or ebay, and wear something dressy to cheer yourself up!
Love your blogs, they are great 🙂
You have a good point! Although, I had already put my skirt and tights on, then changed just before leaving. I do choose to wear pants as well on some days because I just don’t feel like wearing a skirt. That definitely happens too even if I’m not planning on going out on that particular day.
I wore an outfit today that I love, so that definitely cheered me up! And thank you! I’m glad you enjoy the blog!
I understand your dilemma. It happens to all of us. There are two issues that I wish I could overcome:
1. To be seen by people who may know me and suddenly see me in a skirt and think I’ve lost my mind. It’ll be most embarrassing because I’m well known in my community and most of the locals are very conservative.
2. It’s made more difficult because I’d have to do it alone.
But to be honest, I would find it easier to wear a skirt or utility kilt in public if I was a tourist in Europe. Nobody knows me. I’m anonymous and people around me will probably never see me again. And secondly, it would be a lot easier if I had another beskirted male friend with me. It would help make it easier to face the perceived onslaught with an ally at my side.
I recently asked a friend who also has a kilt if we could go have a coffee somewhere local dressed in our utility kilts. He agreed. We haven’t made a date yet. But U feel that it’ll make me feel more emboldened to go out in the full public beskirted with a friend. (even if it is a little more conservative).
So, maybe start by finding an ally.
I understand both issues. I also live in a conservative area, but fortunately, we just moved here a couple of years ago and we don’t know many people yet. That means anyone I meet will only have known me wearing skirts. That’s definitely an advantage. It still doesn’t beat being anonymous in a different city or country though. I still plan on taking a trip at some point with only skirts. I even wrote a post about the idea: https://www.the-beskirted-man.com/in-public/a-trip-with-only-skirts/
As far as doing it alone goes, it definitely helps to have someone with you. In my case, I have my wife who is very supportive and doesn’t mind being seen out in public with me in a skirt, even in our small, conservative town. Having another beskirted man is also extremely helpful. You can do each other a favor by going out together!
Well, Alex, maybe that tired feeling is a cld coming on? I know when I don’t feel 100% well, my eneergy for everything, including thinking about clothes, declines a LOT.
I like the comment from Moses – skirts are no more obligatory than pants. Sometimes you just choose one or the other. Thinking of it that way gives us true freedom. And every day we get to pick our pleasure again!
We’ve definitely been fighting a nasty stomach bug that our two-year-old brought home from daycare. So, the tiredness is certainly much deeper than it usually is.
And you’re right that thinking of skirts that way definitely gives you true freedom in your choice of clothing!
You didn’t chicken out. Though I say the same thing when I want to wear a skirt and then don’t.
It’s as you said though. It takes a lot of mental energy to wear a skirt as a man in public. Once over the initial hump, sure it gets easier, even better. But some days that initial hurdle is higher than the mental stamina you got. So you “chicken out.”
I appreciate your honesty. It makes no sense to only blog about the good times. Recently I’ve lost my nerve as well. I traveled to Ireland and twice wore the kilt. For whatever reason, no one said much of anything and it seemed to hit me in a way that made me feel like it wasn’t a positive. Even though nothing bad happened. I just got the impression I was out of place. And now I’m a little gun shy.
That’s interesting, Greg. Can you expand a little on why you’ve experienced that reaction?
Sure. Though I’m not entirely sure why I did. My usual experience is to wear a kilt and get at least one positive comment. But this time I didn’t. So of course the demons in my head start thinking it’s not cool here.
I think there may have been an element to the fact it seemed I was surrounded by people with the mantra where men are men and women are women. Not sure why I think that or if it’s even true. Just saw every male dressed in the stereotypic male drab uniform.
I’m fairly sure I’m making more of it than I should but it is what it is. I lost the nerve a bit. It’ll come back cause my comfort wearing a skirt over pants is always there.
I know what you’re saying. Sometimes we need just one person to appreciate what we’re wearing (how good it looks) or even that you’re breaking the mould. We all seek some sort of validation and to be appreciated. So it makes one feel as though they’re being overlooked and ignored. But I hope that you can gain confidence that all of the people on this forum appreciate and acknowledge your bravery and how hard it must have been for you to be there without support in whatever form you wanted it. Hopefully next time by making your presence known you’ll receive the affirmation you’re seeking. Good luck and look them in the eye.
Finding an online community like here of like minded folks who support men wearing skirts as men has been very important for me. As has “blogging” about my experiences at my site. It’s both weird and stupidly obvious that we all need validation when we step out of the “norm.”
One thing I’ve learned about the mental hurdle that occurs right before you step outside is to just say “eff it.” I got invited to a small party at neighbors for drinks after a long day at work. Didn’t know what neighbors would be there and recent adventures left me less courageous. So I put on a kilt and nice shirt and went to the door feeling that all too familiar feeling. Pausing, with the demons in my head rambling on, I recalled the phrase that lets me say “eff it.” We regret the things we don’t do in life way more than the things we do.”
At the party were the couple who invited us who know and approve of my kilt wearing and another couple who are wonderful but don’t know. Or at least I didn’t think they did.
This night, I was glad no one really said a thing cause I felt it sort of “normalized” it. Only when I was leaving did the man who knows I wear kilts said “love the kilt”. I think he’d really like to also wear one but doesn’t cause hes always commenting on mine.
I only wish I could always say “eff it” when the demons stop me at the door.
Yup, that’s exactly what happened. I just couldn’t get over the initial metal hurdle. Today was different though. It just happens sometimes and I’m not really worried about it, although I do want to continue to work on it.
That is exactly what I thought as well. I figure it’s good to write about it as it really is rather than just pretend to be the perfectly confident skirt-wearing man. I’m definitely not and nor do I want to portray myself that way. I think it’s more helpful for others too if they realize that most of us fight with this.
I can understand your reaction to your experience in Ireland. Sometimes silence is more frightening than being yelled at or called out…
I don’t know if iI want to be known as a skirt-wearing man. I just want to be free to wear whatever, whenever. Skirts are just a part of my wardrobe. If I feel like wearing a pair of jeans today, then wear jeans. All I have to do is decide which pair. The dark, light or black denim. If I feel like a skirt today, then all I need to do is decide which one and go out in it without fearing the reactions of others. That’s my goal. But I doubt that I’ll be able to achieve it in my lifetime. It’ll always be an apprehensive moment to go out in a skirt (which I haven’t managed to do yet – only a kilt). But I’m going to keep trying. And your forum here is great to share our experiences and thoughts about our drive to make skirt wearing “normal”.
Don’t worry Alex, everyone here is going (or was going) through such stuff. I feel like I re-worked this kind of problem and instead of reversing to trousers, in case of feeling “not brave enough” for a specific skirt, I just pick up one of the “below-the-knee” tartan pleated skirts that I’m used to it so much. But, you know, I’m probably less socialised, without any girlfriend or kids so I don’t think I would feel the same pressure as you might feel.
For me wearing skirts became easier after I started wearing kilts full time. Before wearing kilts I might actually go through with the skirt once a month in the summer. When I made the move to kilts every day I found it easier to wear a skirt. I still have my moments where I take the skirt off and put the kilt back on. I have been able to wear skirts to more places than I did in the past. I think the reason for this is a kilt is a skirt but made for a man. 99% of the time I am the only guy in a kilt. Adding a skirt to mix I am still the only guy in a un-bifurcated garment.